NOT a victim.

TW: sexual assault, rape.

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As I look over my past blog posts, I keep thinking that I want to be more open about myself.

This is Me.

Through self-reflection and some basic shadow-work, I have come to realize that I must practice requesting help from others rather than trying to control everything myself, and that I must open up to my people about my true experiences and feelings.

I know that my truth cannot be used to successfully harm me, so I believe I will start with the true story of how my first sexual experience with another human was not by my choice.

Please know that I share this traumatic happening with y’all in an effort to be as helpful and open as I can. To tell my experience as clearly as I can, including how I have dealt with the repercussions of the events of that April night…to my very own mixed results…

Let me start by saying that I was a late bloomer/very young/naive pre-teen/teen, and excessively shy.

Really.

If it hadn’t been for my Irish twin, Lew, who made friends with our neighbors and brought them to our house to play in our massive front yard, I’d have never had any childhood friends.

Strangely contrarywise, I had “discovered myself” at around 9yo, figuring out what mastrubation was and how to make my hand motions work for me. ; ) See…I grew up in a hyper-literate, musical household and spent the majority of my time reading. There were no limits set on what I wanted to read, and I have 3 older brothers, so I discovered soft-porn girly mags pretty young, and I was incredibly curious…science, yo.

Even so, I was shy and bookish…all I wanted to do was read or swim or ride my bike…

My “first kiss” was a game of kiss-tag in a walnut orchard with my neighbor’s cousin, a CUTE boy named Eddie, when I was 12.

The next year, I received a new bike and rode to the San Joaquin River and back on a hot, Central Valley, summer day with a 15yo boy from my church, (named “Mike” oddly enough) and on the way back, he gave me some ice cold, but weirdly bitter, orange juice.

After wobbling my bike a little way further, I stopped and asked him what was in the OJ (it was vodka). He then kissed me…Using His Tongue!

For many years, I believed that drinking booze led to tongue kissing.

Generally.

As stated previously, I was a late bloomer. I had my first period at 14.5 years old. That is considered to be on the late side of normal. I was still very much a little kid.

I was 15 circa April 1985, and I traveled with my Mom and her boyfriend (an older Chiropractor we called “Doc,” he was very nice) to Anaheim so that Doc could attend a Chiropractic convention.

I do remember the elegant dress that my Mom made for me to attend the fancy Chiropractor’s dinner with them both that weekend (she was a seamstress, among many other things). It was off-white, with BIG puffed sleeves and a sweetheart neckline, and I recall the adjustments she had to make right down to the last minute, because I was smack in the middle of my growth spurt (5’7″ to 5’10” in less than 6 months) and my hip, waist, and shoulder measurements kept changing (although I didn’t get boobs till I was 17).

8th grade class photo

We stayed at the Anaheim Hilton, and my Mom and I went to Disneyland on one of the days while Doc was Chiropractor-ing.

I have been a swimmer for my whole life. The 2 things I don’t remember learning to do are read and swim.  I have swimming ribbons from when I was 4, and wasn’t allowed to attend pre-school because I already knew how to read.

ANYway…

The hotel had a pool and a hot tub, and, on our last night there, I went down after dinner to swim, and I met a guy who said his name was “Mike.”

*Interesting side note: I started this post many weeks ago, but I found myself a bit stuck*

When I was about 17, I wrote about what happened that night…I’ll just pop that right here:

I am not triggered by hotels or hot tubs, or even Heineken…but I CANNOT STAND seeing change (coins) on a surface.

I’m a big believer in piggy banks.

I recall riding back home to Fresno in the backseat of Doc’s car the next day. I thought of telling my Mom what happened, but couldn’t bring myself to speak about it at all.

Right after this happened, I got the chance to get drunk and stoned for the first time. Our apartment manager threw a party, providing a big vat of vodka-filled fruit juice with oranges and cherries in it, so I recall drinking SO MUCH and then eating the fruit, discovering how alcohol could make me “disremember” anything I wanted to forget.

I smoked weed for the first time that night as well. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling at first, THC being new to me and all, but I reveled in the disconnect from my trauma that being wasted gave to me.

Yeah…that’s enough for now…

Continue reading NOT a victim.

Day 1 with Effy’s Blog-along

I did this last year, so I’m going to do it again.

I worked at the library, like I do, and am nesting with my Emily alone at home.

My roommates are away until Friday so it’s just she and I.

I’m going to color my hair tonight, as the grey is starting to show too much for me.

It’s not as bad as it was last time, tho:

Too frosty

So…I roused myself from my after-work stupor and made the change:

Brunette again

One day down…

A walk ends badly…

I spent another wonderful weekend with my Love in Woodbridge.

Earlier today, we went for a walk at Lodi Lake Park, where we usually ride our bikes.

Lodi Lake

We walked past the lake, and walked the loop through the nature preserve.

Flowers by the lake
Trees at the beginning of the nature trail.

It was pretty warm, but we saw the deer and squirrels galore.

He is my heart.

On our way back, past the playground, there were many people along the lake side, and right when we passed, not 10 feet from us, a man pulled a limp, maybe 2yo, boy from the water.

I think the sight will haunt me for a long time. It was truly awful.

Matt and I both called 911, but Matt’s call was better as he has a local number (I still use my old Fresno number). Emergency dispatch had him stand right next to the baby, as folks were performing CPR so that his location could be tracked.

Emergency vehicles arrived and took the baby right away in the ambulance.

After we got home, Matt found an online news article, stating that the baby boy had died.

Jaylen

I am bereft.

Happy Weekending!

So, I am in Woodbridge with my heart.

You can’t see my long ponytail from here…

I woke up with enough time for coffee with Emily before work, and I have not regretted the “loss of sleep” inherent in waking up earlier for this.

That face tho!

Work was grand. I stayed busy enough for time to fly by…

I’m up to “O” in my shifting and things are going great.

See you on Monday morning, JFK.

I fell asleep in the arms of my love, and today I am as lazy as one can be on a single day off.

I’ll do laundry tho…

…clean clothes accomplished. We had pizza for dinner, and I’ll drive home after Zoe.

On the Road..

…made it home to my Emily.

She missed me. I know because she purrs so loud when I get home, I call her “My Motorhead”

It’s time for sleep. Another week in the library for me…

Goodnight, y’all.

Fri-yay?

If one works on Saturday, should one celebrate Friday?

It’s all good. Today has been a nice, pretty, day. I’m all the way to the “M” section in my shifting project, and it’s so calming for me.

To make order from chaos warms my Librarian heart.

I’ll drive to Woodbridge tomorrow after work to spend one precious day with my love.

Matt & Nancy
2019

I adore this man.

Goodnight, y’all.

Thursday Sunshine

Today was beautiful…sunny with a little breeze…

My morning starter…

Work has been great. I just try to keep up with the changes. We were going to stop requiring appointments on Saturday (5/1), but now that’s been pushed back for 2 weeks.

My shifting project keeps making me happy…I’m already done with Grisham…so it’s on to the “H” section.

Felt pretty cute today…

Went grocery shopping after work and wandered around for an hour, hungry, but I didn’t buy too much crap to eat, so I call it good.

I originally went because I needed creamer for my coffee.

I have to be at work an hour earlier on Fridays and Saturdays, so I need to go to bed…

All Staff meeting in the morning, so I CANNOT be late. This will likely be my last chance to hear from our Library Director, as she is retiring in a few weeks.

(More Changes a’Coming)

Goodnight, y’all.

Back to it…

As always, I had trouble falling asleep last night, but I woke up at 7:45, which meant I had time for 2 (two) cups of coffee and extra cuddling with my Emily before I had to leave for work.

My Adult Graphic Novel collection

Work is great. I’m continuing with the Adult Fiction shifting, and it makes me happy to do it. There’s something “zen”, for me, about organizing and displaying library items so that they look inviting and are easy to locate.

My shiny New Fiction section (we’re waiting for fresh signage with our new branding on it)
My hair scraped back cuz I am WORKING

So…on my way home for lunch (a 9/10 of a mile drive), I nearly got into an altercation with a person who was standing in the street, talking on her phone.

I said, “Get out of the road,” and she went OFF, yelling at me.

She tried to spit on me but spit on Shelley (my frankencar) instead.

SPIT.

ON. MY. CAR.

Stay classy, Vallejo.

I threw Shelley into park and unhooked my seatbelt.

She leaned into my car door and said, “What are you gonna do about it?” so I opened Shelley’s door, pushing her away from me.

Her little friend popped up and yelled, “Why would you push her with your car door?!?” and I replied, “Because she spit on my Fucking Car!”

Then I swung my legs out and stood up.

And they all stepped back just a bit.

Thus, these little millennials (Gen Z? I dunno, they all look 12 to me now) decided to start sauntering back toward the sidewalk, talking smack the whole way.

I said, “Stop standing in the road,” and the original road-blocker yelled at me, “You’re Still Talking Shit!”

So I used my Bartender voice, and said, “AND YOU’RE STILL IN THE ROAD!”

Then I drove home for lunch and kitty affection.

My Mom raised a lady, but I’m from Fresno, chica. I’ll pull some Chola action outa my back pocket and beat you down with it.

Anywho…I went back to work after lunch and all was well in my world.

The sticker my roomate gave me. Gonna put it on my coffee mug.

I’m home, with my Emily on my lap, thinking about what to make for dinner…

…made 3-cheese tortellini with pesto. 😋 🥣

Tomorrow is another day, where I hope to make better choices.

I could have handled that whole thing better…

Goodnight, y’all